Monday, May 25, 2015

Blank Pages

Miami has become a series of dead ends in many aspects of my life, and so, after 5 years, a fresh start is in order.  As I leave the Miami River in the rear-view mirror, I look forward to, well, looking forward.

I've had moments in these final days that have ranged everywhere from bliss to calm to confusion, and a few days, frankly, that I could do little more than stock-up on mint chocolate, don my favourite onesie, and binge-watch
Madmen and Gilmore Girls.  On those days, all one can really do is try not to think too much, batten down the hatches, and ride out the storm. Or, alternatively, weigh anchor and sail to calmer waters.

Finally departing the place you once felt entirely conflicted about leaving is a bit like coming to terms with the inevitability of your own death. You can fear it and dread it for months, years, or even decades, but when the situation reaches a point of being unbearable, you come to terms, and maybe even welcome with open arms, where it is you're bound. By that point, you're likely more than ready for the trust fall.  

I don't really fear change this time around, though departing before determining a final destination has my stomach feeling a little unsettled at times. But all in all, I recognize how very lucky I am; how I am utterly free.

I have said most of my goodbyes, in one form or another; hugs, tears, texts, phonecalls, letters, tequila shots.  Letting go of some of the characters from the Miami episode of my life has been akin to coming to terms with the loss of a limb. They will never be a part of my future, and I will always miss them, but there's unfortunatley not a damn thing that can be done about it.  Others I know I will see again, somewhere down the road, and the goodbye is no more than a so-long for now.  Then there's a special few that will be the recipient of a silent good riddance, perhaps in the form of sign language, as I look back on the Miami River one final time from Brickell Avenue Bridge.

There are many ways to turn the page to a new chapter to your life, and we all require something different.  I need a change of scenery, a journey to a new place to call home, a book of blank pages. 

To begin the journey, some bridges must be burned to ensure they aren't crossed again, while others just need to be raised.  Those bridges can be raised by letting go of what no longer serves you, by forgiving those who may have hurt you, and, most importantly, by forgiving yourself for the blindness that put you in the path of those who betrayed you.

Hasta la vista, Miami.