Sunday, September 9, 2007

Ancient Order of Turtles

Are you a Turtle?

If you're not sure how to answer this question, or you're completely certain of how to answer, but are now curious, read on.

I returned to Lunenburg in late August after spending most of the summer in Halifax, working as captain for a local tour company. While I miss the Halifax waterfront, its bars and nightlife with all the great live music 7 nights a week, a night out at the bar in the 'Burg can have its own eccentricity which makes it a different kind of 'fun'.

Which brings me back to turtles.

A tradition whose origins can be traced back to pilots of World War II, it is "an honorable drinking fraternity composed of ladies and gentlemen of the highest morals and good character, who are never vulgar". Only a privileged few, specifically those whom are extraordinarily pure of thought, will be inducted into the elite order known as the Ancient and Honorable Order or Turtles.

Turtles are bright-eyed, bushy tailed, fearless and unafraid folk with a fighter pilot attitude. They think clean, have a lot of fun, and recognize the fact that you never get anyplace in life worthwhile unless you stick your neck out.

My friend began by asking me a series of questions. All questions suggest a vulgar answer, but since turtles are inherently pure and good, the actual answer is quite innocuous. You must answer all correctly in order to be inducted, I was told.

1)What does a woman do sitting down, that a dog does on 3 legs, and a man does standing up?

Obvious? Perhaps... but would a turtle, of innocent and kindly disposition, think that way? Lets try a few others.

2)What does a cow have 4 of that a woman only has 2 of?

3)What is a four letter word, ending with 'k' that means intercourse?
and finally...

4)What is rounded and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang your hat on it?

For those who know me well, it will come as no surprise that I became a member in no time at all. It is very important that one thinks long and hard before answering each question, because should you answer incorrectly, you are required to buy a drink for each Turtle present.

And here is the best part: From this time forward, whenever the question is asked, "Are you a turtle?" the answer is, "You bet your sweet ass I am!".